Shitting Monochromatic Rainbows

I won’t lie, these past few months have been rough. I haven’t blogged in a while mainly because I didn’t know what to write. I felt as though I was falling apart little by little.  Lots of events have taken place, some not too pleasant and some joyful.  I lost a friend to complications with her Pulmonary hypertension/CHF and that hit me hard.  We weren’t super close but had bonded over our shared illness.  Her death also made everything  REAL.  Yes, death is real and life is shorter than imaginable.  Her husband sent me a late night text on Oct 12th to tell me she was gone.  It was exactly a month from when Kat had lunch with Scott and I.  Kat was hilarious and always had a huge smile on her face and I will miss her corny jokes.

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I have spent the last few months dealing with a multitude of emotions.  I started having anxiety attacks and haven’t wanted to do anything.  I would break down over the realization that I have changed and mourn who i “used to be”.  I’ve lost a lot of weight having to get rid of excess fluid that my heart cannot pump out.  Yet struggling to gain “good weight” and lean muscle mass.  I started losing my hair and trying to deal with a bald spot on the back of my head. I have little energy to do anything I used to do and cannot hang out with friends and go to all their functions like I could before.  I feel like everyone is judging me, think that I am faking my illness and just don’t want to be around them.  Meanwhile, I sat around secretly angry that people who tell me they are there for me or will help, don’t follow through. They don’t come see me like they say they will.  Only trying to realize that it is more that they don’t know how to deal with this new version of me.  They probably don’t know what to say or what to do.  It’s true I have a hard time answering the question “how are you feeling”.  Most people don’t want to hear that I am actually feeling horrible, they want to hear “I am good” and be on their way.  Trips back and forth to UW to see the specialist are uneventful. Still retaining too much fluid around my heart and monitoring my symptoms.

I began down this road where I felt like everything sucked. I had to realize that I was depressed.  Who wouldn’t be with all this going on?  But I had to have someone outside of my circle to talk me into taking an antidepressant.  Depression runs in my family but I have never suffered from it.  I always felt immune to it and have been happy and focused on the present moment while shitting rainbows.  Well my, rainbows started to turn monochromatic.  I couldn’t have that and glad that I had finally admitted my anxiety and depression was hindering me.

I have been on an antidepressant for almost two months and I am starting to feel more like myself.  I have also been focusing on my cardiac rehab and trying to gain endurance.  I have also had a huge change in my home that has helped tremendously!  I am happy to say that my Mom came to live with us the beginning of this month!  She  has been so helpful to us (to me) I couldn’t thank her enough.  I had to realize that I just cannot do things around the house I used to and she has taken that pressure off.  I am beyond lucky to have her.  She also brought the cutest Shih Tzu  puppy with her!  His name is Oscar and he is around 12 weeks old!  He is so happy and makes my heart happy.  My brother and Buster moved out and I miss them (especially Buster) who I spent everyday with for the past couple years.  I still feel that absence and hope he comes to visit.  AND my beautiful sister moved back in while she is focusing on school!  Yes my home is full and busy and I LOVE every minute of it!

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I just want to say thank you for all the support I have received sharing my life with you.  I appreciate the prayers and thoughts! If you have any questions or a comment feel free!  Please share.  Also check out my gofundme page,  thank you in advance or for donating, the funds have been very helpful with my travels for care.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

https://www.gofundme.com/4gzbpkhc