Sept is Childhood cancer awareness month. It’s a time to honor those children and their families who have been through this dreadful disease and those who did not. It’s also a time to bring awareness that children die every day of cancer and yet only 4% of proceeds earned through fund raising efforts go towards childhood cancer research.
This month I was asked to light the Survivor candle during the American Childhood Cancer Organization of the Inland NW’s (ACCOIN) Candle Light Vigil. I was honored to be able to be given this opportunity. A lot of feelings come up for me when attending events for ACCOIN, especially this event. Too many feelings to name but some were, survivors guilt, sadness, fear, anxiety and hope, anger and gratitude.
The one feeling I’ve struggled the most with throughout my life is survivors guilt. A ton of questions come up from the guilt. Why did I survive when many do not. Do I have a special purpose in life and am I living it? Should I have tried harder to live, work, become a better person? Am I trying now? Am I too lazy? I do not want answers to these inner questions nor am I fishing for compliments. They are just random things that go through my head.
I’ve learned to combat my guilt with gratitude. I know I have lived my life to it’s fullest every day, or try to. It’s something that I am having a harder time doing now because I’m slower and get worn out quickly. But on my good days there is no stopping me! I know I’m so lucky to be here that I so I try to live a life of kindness, openness (even though I can be shy and have resting bitch face), be of service to others and compassion. I have the best support system that there is. My family is amazing and I am no short of friends that I know would do anything for me. Most of all, I know I helped bring the most amazing person into this world. I was always told that I would never be able to have children. Well, I did, and he will be 14 yrs old in a few months. He is an old soul and sometimes I feel he is here to help me just as must as I am here to help him. He is kind, funny, sarcastic (like his mama), has a huge heart for dogs and animals and so very smart! I’m so lucky to have him!
I’ve also been blessed with having the most amazing husband. He is the most kind and giving person I’ve ever known. Seriously, everyone knows Scott does not get mad! We’ve never fought in the 12 years we’ve been together. I know, you don’t believe me but it’s true. Our relationship is easy. It’s crazy how easy it is, even during some of the hardest times in our lives. He is by my side through all my days good and bad. And no matter what health crisis comes up he doesn’t think of quitting. He holds my hand when I feel weak and want to give up, only providing me with hope that we will get through whatever life throws at us. So how could I not want to continue on!
A child who has gone through cancer, no matter how severe the treatment, is not ever fully “cured”. We suffer psychological wounds, lasting physical problems due to the treatments used and our family and friends suffer along side of us. Our parents have PTSD from having to watch their child get these brutal treatments, where some make it and many do not. We should be spending more time researching for a cure to end childhood cancer and for better treatments period. I, and many others can tell you that the treatments used to “cure” me are now trying to kill me. A fellow “survivor” (I don’t like that term but it’s late and I am lacking a better one) posted this article recently.
I know some people were hoping for an update on my health crap, but I can’t form those words now, I’m tired. Just know I’m doing ok, I have good days and bad days. Focusing on the good ones and living my life with gratitude. Please share if you would be so kind. Thank you for reading! Is like to hear your thought, comments, etc!