A new accomplishment!

I’m feeling quite accomplished today! I just went grocery shopping by myself for the first time in FOREVER! While the pic above doesn’t look like much (those bags were heavy) it was a lot for me.  I had to stop to rest a lot, especially with bringing them inside the house, but I got it done! I handled it!  Thanks to the warmer weather, I’m able to do more!  


My husband made me cry!

My husband made me cry Sunday afternoon by teaching me about drawing using perspectives, horizon lines and focal points. When the lesson was finished and I looked at what I did I started to cry. It felt good to learn something new and see progress, after months of not working and feeling like I’ve lost myself. On Sunday I felt a glimmer of something I didn’t even know was there.  Who am I really?  I was a social worker,  went to school and obtained a master’s degree in the field.  I worked and loved my job until having to leave.    However,the last six months of being so sick, I haven’t felt like I’ve really done anything. Nor have I wanted to do anything. Now it’s time for me to learn all the things I’ve wanted to but never had “time”?  Am I an artist?  Maybe there is a Frida Kahlo hidden somewhere deep inside of me dying to get out?  I am going to continue to learn and get my paints out again!PicCollage

The iron infusions I have definitely helped me have more energy!  I am less tired than before and no longer feel like need to nap every day.  I do wear out easily still, so I need to remember pace myself.  I have been very busy the past few weeks.  I spent some time in Seattle for my son’s spring break.  We had so much fun together!  We hung out with family and went to the zoo.  I was able to have some quality time with him just mom and son!  We went to the aquarium, explored Pikes Place Market, and he ate all the sushi he could find.  He is the kindest, smartest 13 y.o. I know!  He takes such great care of me too.  He didn’t complain once that I walk too slow or need to stop to rest.  He reminds me to take my medications, offers to carry everything we have and will take my arm to help pull me up a hill.  I am a very lucky mom to have a son like him!  The best part of all of this is being able to spend this time with him!

When we returned, I FINALLY had my sleep study!  I slept better than I thought I would with all the wires/electrodes attached to me!  I won’t have the results for a bit but the sleep tech did tell me that I didn’t have any major “breathing events” and she did not think they would need to put me on a CPAP or BiPAP which would be amazing! Keeping my fingers crossed because I really do not want more machines in our room! I have an appo at UW again in May and hopefully, will have an idea where to go from here.  Until then, I will just keep truckin’ along.  Thanks for reading and for all the comments and support!  They really help me get through!IMG_1523.JPG

Miraculous in question…(see what I did there)? 

I’ve been a childhood cancer “survivor” for 32 yrs. but did I survive it? I’m still dealing with the effects of the treatment, and it gave me PH and now heart failure. So what exactly did I survive? My illness just morphed into something else…a chronic illness. I’m not complaining even though it does sound like it. If I didn’t make it, I would have died at a very young age. I actually did die once. It was during a surgery, I became very hypokalemic and the surgeons told the staff to inform my family to call the priest to give me my last rights. I am not sure how old I was but I think I was four. I can remember “dying”. I was in the operating table. My eyes opened and I could see the surgeons, nurses, etc all looking at me. They were all gowned and gloved. I can still picture the room with all the sterilized shiny equipment. I began floating above my body but didn’t look at myself in the bed. I didn’t see any light but I just felt a signal that it wasn’t my time. I have no other memories of that day.   

My grandma always talked to me about that day though. She said they called the priest to come. But she also called a Native American medicine man that she had been having me see as well. She wanted him there but he was out of town that day. She said that during the call he reassured her that I was going to be ok, that it wasn’t time. She was very upset but believed him. Next thing she knew, someone came out of the operating/recovery room and said I was doing well and asking for my grandpa (I was quite the grandpa’s girl)! Whenever my Grandma told me this story she would say how much of a miracle I am. A miracle…hmm I’m not sure about that. But I’m not sure I’m a “survivor” either. I’m just simply someone who has no other choice but to keep going. Putting one foot in front of the other, with a slower gait now, but I just keep going. I refuse to give up or give in to my struggles. I am not a quitter.