Still I breathe with broken lungs.

Inhale breaths feel unsatisfying

Exhale just to inhale again 

Continue on each day breathing

Beats pounding with blue hues

These are not the blues I find solace, those are your eyes

Well, it’s official.  I have fully run out of options for a lung transplant.  University of Utah finally got back to me last week.  Fact is, I am just NOT a candidate.  I have too much damage  from radiation and was told that removing my lungs would be nearly impossible due to the scar tissue.  Was I upset about this?  Hell yes I was upset!  I cried big ‘ole tears by myself.  I wasn’t crying  because I could not have a transplant though.  Truth is, I wasn’t sure I would even want that.  It’s a HUGE surgery, not to mention life long commitment, a lot of medications and risky thing to undergo in it’s self.  I cried because I no longer have the option.  My lungs will just continue to decline in function from here on out.

If you are wondering if I am depressed stop.  I am not.  I haven’t lost hope either.  On the contrary, I have never been happier.  I feel lucky to even be sitting here breathing.  Overcoming childhood cancer and all of it’s struggles has taught me that there is no time like the present.  After all, it could always be worse.  I should have died many times before, in fact I did but I’ll save that story for another time.

This past three months have been interesting and a roller coaster of emotions but I am finally at peace.  I am finally able to just relax and enjoy the moment and that in turn has made me feel great!  Not having to struggle everyday to get to work has made a huge difference in my health.  I can now take my time getting up, ensuring I am taking my medications regularly and eating right.  I have the energy to do things I want to do and spend time with my friends and family.  I have even felt good enough to take the dogs on short walks to the dog park with my oxygen in tow.  I can rest all day and go see concerts in the evening and get into shenanigans again! 🙂   I am heading to Seattle this month to see Smashing Pumpkins, will see The Reverend Horton Heat next week and bought tickets to The Violent Femmes!  So while I may struggle some days and my lungs are assholes, I still breathe!

 

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